May the Force Be With Your Divorce and Step Parenting

              I remember going to elementary and middle school and having the majority of my classmates be from divorced and/or blended family. This was so much of a norm that I even asked my own mother if she was going to get a divorce from my father, not realizing how offensive and/or outlandish this sort of question could be. As I got older, I began to view divorce as the absolute worse thing in the whole word and pitied anyone whose family went through it or had a blended family (a couple with children from previous partners/marriages comes together in a marriage. The previous marriage could have ended in divorce or widow). Of course, this wasn't a very realistic view, either. While divorce and/or blending a family is a very difficult process to go through, it may not be as terrible as it seems, and may actually be of benefit to the family members. However, there are some things that could either make or break a blended family and the relationships within. I hope to be able to provide some help and insight for those who may be going through this sort of equation.

      There are six stages of divorce that include emotional, legal, economic, co-parental, community, and psychic. Emotional divorce can happen when the spouses have no more connection to one another, and is a precursor to a legal divorce. Legal divorce is where a judge and attorneys deviate the "stuff" and "properties" of each individual. Economic divorce is the actual deviation of the "stuff". Co-parental is the legal and physical custody of the children (if any). Community divorce is leaving the comfortable circle of friends, family, and region either physically or emotionally. Finally, psychic divorce is where the individual must accept that the relationship is at a halt and regain their senses as they start a different life. Often times, there may be shaming of the individual/individuals when they get a divorce. However, while there are some people who get divorced because they find marriage as disposable, divorce may actually be something that will get one or more individuals out of an unsafe or unhappy situation.  

      Those who are at risk of divorce are those who were married as teenagers, people over the age of 30 years, remarried with children, adultery, abuse, alcoholism (also known as the 3A's), long distance, war, economics, children of divorced parents, those with a poor education, and/or those who have little to no support from family members. However, those who get divorced often find themselves regretting getting a divorce with their spouse about six months to a year after their divorce, which is when most people end up getting married, again. Food for thought.

      As always, let's do some imagining. Let's say you're packing to go on a dream vacation with your family. You will be staying on vacation for a while, so you'll need to bring a lot of stuff. What will you bring and what will you leave behind? What sort of "baggage" do you carry into a relationship and could you take so your load is lighter but still has all of the proper things that make you, well, you? Some "baggage" we can bring into a relationship, especially when coming from previous marriages, are guilt, mistrust, fear, anger, resentment, desire for approval, secrets, easily offended, off-putting, and possibly addiction. You could also find yourself throwing yourself or your spouse on the parent wagon when the kids are not adjusted to the new family dynamic yet. After doing things one way for a while and watching is all fall apart and then build something from a different set of pieces, times are going to be hard. What can we do to get rid of the unneeded "baggage" and prevent another marriage from falling apart? Well, to start off, identifying what sort of things both individuals carry and then communicating what sorts of expectations each couple would like in their marriage may be a good place to start. However, if there are children coming into the new family, it is important to develop a relationship with them and respect them. You may also need to establish how you and your new spouse will parent the children fairly, as well making sure the children feel like they are being heard and not forced into a situation they don't like. Please be considerate of all members of your new family.

       I hope that through this blog, I have been able to show some tendencies of divorce and remarriage, as well as to provide insight who have gone or are going through divorce and/or remarriage. It is not easy, but life isn’t, either. At church a few weeks ago, someone told me something that has helped me through these past few weeks and I hope it will help you, too. She said, "If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it."

Until next time,

Toni Jo Despain

A Marriage Student's Guide to Parenting

     What does it mean to be a parent? Will the type of parenting style used affect my child, or the relationship between me and my child and/or me and my spouse?
      You may have heard of all the parenting trends that are in effect today, and often the bashing of some trends over others. However, there are four main styles of parenting where the trends may fall as subcategory. As I list and explain these styles, think about which style you use with your children, or if you don't have children, then what your parents' parenting style is. The first style is known as passive. The passive parenting style is where the parents do set rules or means of punishment when the child does wrong, and the parent favors the child's love. This can be rather destructive in the sense that the child grows up without any rules or means discipline and ends up expecting things to happen their way. The second style is authoritarian, which is where there is much discipline and little love. This style is often very ineffective in the sense that the children become sneaky in their ways and rebellion and/or are afraid and angry. The third style is neglectful, where there is little discipline and little affection. This parenting style is very ineffective and often illegal, for the child is not receiving the nurture they need to survive and are susceptible to harm from not receiving disciple for actions. The last parenting style is known as authoritative, which is the most effective parenting style for it provides discipline and love for the child.
       Parenting and caring for a child can often be very difficult and taxing, but is much needed. Without love, especially from a parent or guardian, a child does not have what they need to grow or even live. Isn't that a fascinating thought? So while your scrubbing down the crayon colored walls, taking an extra shift to get that new action figure he's been asking for for months, changing the hundredth diaper of the day, or telling your teenager they can't go to that concert until they get their grades up, just remember that your love is an important part of your child's life. It is also important to remember that as a parent you have responsibility, but we are going to write the word as response-ability. The reason for this specific and unique spelling is because we are responsible for our ability to respond to our children, especially when problems arise.
       When solving a problem, it is important to, first, establish whose problem it is. To do this, figure out who will be affected by the problem. For example, if your teenager takes your car out for a drive and returns it home without any gas and you need to go work in the morning with that car, whose problem is it? It would be your problem because it affects you and how you will need to go to work. It would be the teenager's problem had it been their car that they ran out of gas and couldn't make it to school. To be clear, establishing the problem is not establishing who is to blame. However, like this example, there still needs to be discipline for what the child did. When it's the parent's problem, there are a few steps to take and say to the child, especially if the act continues to repeat itself. Let's stick with the child driving your car example. The first step is to politely request that the child fill the gas take when they go out driving or to not use all of the gas so you can still use the car to go to work. If the act continues, the use of "I" statements comes into play. This is a way to share your feelings without the person feeling attacked. To do this, you start with, "When you [state the problem], I feel [fill in the blank]," then share your solution. If you do this but it still makes no difference, then it's time to be a bit firmer with reminding them of the solution and your feelings. Being firmer is not being violent, it's more of a solidification. If it still doesn't work, then it's time to create logical consequences. Ask the child what they think the consequences should be (but often times they may be more cruel), then talk to them about a logical consequence that you both can agree upon. Logical consequences should go along with natural consequences that would happen if its the children's problem. With the car example, a logical consequence would be that they can't take the car for a drive for three days time. Or, instead of that, they could have to pay for the gas themselves. But when the child uses up the gas in their car, their natural consequence is not being able to take the car to school. Natural consequences can be very helpful and useful, but there are exceptions, such as the consequence being too dangerous, the consequence is too far in the future, and/or the consequence affects other people.
     After reading this, I hope that I have been able to show that parenting is a team thing. You and your children are to work together to raise them, for no one knows them better than themselves and those who raised them. Parenting is not an easy thing, so kudos to you have accepted the challenge.


Until Next Time,


Toni Jo Despain