Forget the Financial Stress

      During the holiday season, it is a time to reflect and spend time with loved ones. It is also the busiest and most stressful time of the year due to travels, planning around the weather, presents, food, decorations, cleaning, etc. It seems that every year, expectations for the best holiday season and gifts to last the next year increase. However, what happens if money is tight and you can’t get that one thing your loved one wants the most? What if this is your reality all year round? I mean, money can’t buy you happiness, but it can help cover the necessities like food and shelter and everything in between.

       Life can throw some pretty wicked curve balls and one of them is a change in income. You may have to cut in half due to a new addition to the family or the loss of a job. You may have to be the breadwinner for while or downsize on a home. Or you may make bank and see what to do the money you have so you don’t go wasting and/or spending it in one place. Our society runs on money, but what do you do if you find yourself in a position where money is scarce and needs are plenty? Some ideas include planning ahead, creating a budget, save as much as possible, and decipher needs versus wants.

       Let’s take our scenarios and ideas from a marital standpoint. When planning ahead, it is best to plan for the worst case scenario and go from there. This could be the death or illness of one or both of the spouses, having no income whatsoever, etc. After deciding the worst case scenario, create a plan for and your spouse where if the scenario was to happen, then it would only be a minor financial setback. It is better to be prepared for something that may never happen than have it happen and get the wind knocked from you.

       To make things a bit easier, we are going to lump creating a budget and deciding needs versus wants together. This category can look different for everybody and can be done in many different ways. One effective way is figuring out things that you can and cannot afford to change. For example, in the can section it can be eating (i.e. going out, kinds of groceries, drinks on the way to work, etc.) or clothes (you can find some cute things at your local thrift stores for a cheap price). In the cannot section, you could have your mortgage. After putting everything in a section, it’s time to see what you need to change in the “can” section in order to not spend more than you take in. Keep in mind that you may need to change these multiple times as life goes on and as incomes change.

        Once you get that paycheck, it can be super tempting to go out and spend it on something that will temporarily make you happy. Avoid the temptation! Instead, file your money in your budget and save the rest, except for a small amount that you can call your own. Let’s face it, it was hard to get through to the next pay day and you deserve a reward. Just be conscious of how much that reward costs. Set aside $5-$10 for yourself and put the rest in budget and savings.

        There are many things to consider when going into a marriage, and a big one is who will be the major breadwinner (the supplier of the income). For some couples, the husband would be the only one while the wife stays home or vice versa. Or both spouses will have careers and have someone else take care of the kids (if any). Whatever the scenario may be, it is important to not only have a plan set and in order, but both spouses need to be comfortable with whatever changes may occur or need to occur, as well as the current plan in place. In recent years, the idea of women staying at home and taking care of the children and home while the husband is at work all day has been seen as shameful and horrible. While men and women are capable of doing wonderful things in the workplace, being taking care of a home and all within is a very noble and needed thing. It is also something that both the husband and wife should work on together to keep things running as smoothly as possible. A marriage is a partnership and that partnership involves caring for a home and all within it, as well as caring for the finances and responsibilities involved.

         Finances and money are difficult to talk about sometimes, but are so important. Please don’t forget that in a marriage, it is important to be open and honest about it and to work together. Your solution may not be the same as other families or the current trends, but just be sure it is a safe and well working solution with you and your spouse.

      

Until next time,

Toni Jo Despain

"Communication is Key"

       In previous blog posts, I have continuously written that communication is a simple solution to marital problems, but I didn't provide any sort of guidance as to how to communicate with your spouse or family member. For that, I apologize and wish to provide you with effective ways of communication, as well as the least effective ways.
      Forms of communication are nonverbal (used 51% of the time), tone (35%) and words (14%). Without these, there is a cause of miscommunication. A big example of miscommunication because the lack of one or more of these communication forms, is texting and/or social media. I'm sure all of us who have participated in texting or using technology as a way of communicating has had some sort of experience of miscommunication, and I'm sure no one would say it was a pleasant experience. When communicating, there is an entire process and cycle that starts with 1. The Sender, 2. Sending an encoded (specific) message, 3. Decoding (understanding) the message and 4. The intended listener being influenced and the cycle starting all over again.
     This cycle allows for the sender to share their thoughts to the influenced listener and alter their thoughts accordingly, if it is not expressed correctly out loud. Despite current beliefs, it is alright to be transparent in the sense that you are open, honest, and direct in your thoughts and feelings. Please do not deny yourself or the person you are talking to those rights of transparency. At the same time, transparency is not explaining every little detail of your life without fail, for that may cause of a bit of, well, annoyance.
     Let's do an exercise in which we pick the next step of action for this couple's story: A husband comes home from work, exhausted and hungry, expecting to have a hot dinner ready and set on the table. His wife has been taking care of their newborn child all day and wasn't able to finish, or even start, to make dinner by the time her husband got home. What should happen?
A.) The husband comes home and yells at his wife for not having dinner done, and she returns his anger in saying that if he helped around the house more rather than yell at her, then maybe dinner could be easier to prepare.
B.) The husband comes home and not help his wife, but explains everything about his day and not leave room for her to share her day (or vice versa).
C.) The husband comes home, assess the situation, helps out his wife with whatever she may need, and both can explain their days and feelings with each other without interruption or contention.
    There are many, many scenarios that could take place, but out the three, which would be the most desirable and effective way of communication? If you answered the letter 'C', then you would be correct for this exercise.
     I would just like to take this moment to share a few quotes by my teacher that I found to be very insightful and helpful in considering good communication. His quotes are as follows: "When it comes to communication, one cannot not communicate," and "A defense looks an awful lot like an offense." Not communicating at all is not effective, especially in a relationship, and while you may feel your partner is putting up offensive barriers, they may be being defensive. Please take time to consider what may need to happen to have open communication between you and your loved ones, now that you understand what is effective and not effective.

Until next time,


Toni Jo Despain

Don't Stress

        In this day in age, it is very big to have a "cheat day" or to "treat yourself" when the going gets tough and you just need time for yourself. Generally, this would only be truly accepted in our culture if the person is hard working, stressed, and needs a chance to relax . But what are some things that bring stress to a family? Can these stressors make or break a family structure?
       Here is a list of things that can put stress on an individual and a family. As you read through the list, there may be one or a few things that you see in your own lives.

• Finances
• School work/ Academics
• Finding work/ stress at work
• Health Problems
• Loss of a loved one
• Balance of responsibilities
• Social Life
• Unsafe environment
• Bullying
• Social Media
• Life Planning
• Making sure needs are met for yourself and your family
• Balancing selfishness/selflessness
• Needs versus wants
• Disabilities
• Unhappy with self image
• Struggle with time management
• Struggle with finding self/personality
• Struggle with patience
• Learning new skills
• Fear of judgement                                                                                                                        There are many more different things that can cause stress, as well as things that can manifest because of stress. The manifestations can cause even more stress on an individual and family when a negative stress cycle is formed. These manifestations can include drug and alcohol addiction, eating disorders, mental and physical tolls, and/or unhealthy behavior resulting in family tares. A negative stress cycle can be seen in this example: A man is having trouble at work and is stressing over a deadline. He decides to take the load off by going to the bar and getting a few drinks. Over time and as work stress amplifies, so does his drinking habits. He starts losing control and takes his anger out on his wife and children. His wife doesn't want to confront him because she knows he is stressed, she is scared he will get more violent if she brings it up, and/or she is afraid to leave because she would have to start life from scratch. The family dynamic begins to shift and the respect towards the father and mother from the children begins to change. 

          Sadly, this kind of story is not foreign and affects many families. Thankfully, there are support groups, help shelters, law enforcers, and counselors who can help in these serious situations. On the flip side, how can we prevent stress from becoming negative and ruining a family dynamic over time? The key to any problem in a family, especially when stress is involved, is communication. Sometimes, stress can actually be helpful and healthy. It is meant to be used as a healthy motivator for us to do all that we need to in life. In a marital standpoint, you and your partner are both humans with stress in your lives. Who better than to discuss what's going on in your life with the person who shares life with you? Please do not feel afraid to communicate what is stressing you out with your partner and brainstorming solutions. If you do not have a partner to discuss with or you feel that the communication barrier between you and your partner needs to be worked on, then I would advise seeking help from a counselor, a friend, a family member, or a support group to receive some extra help and support to keep the stress safe and not manifest itself in unhealthy ways. 

Until next time,

Toni Jo Despain

The Talk About "The Talk"

             How often do we view the topic of marital intimacy (better known as sex) as something terrifying or taboo? Something only dirty people talk about? While it is a sacred topic and is often not treated as so, marital intimacy is so important as a human race and is not something people are well informed of.
       I'm not going to give a full anatomy lesson on reproduction to save time, but I will give enough of a summary to set up a main understanding to hopefully help those who don't really understand their partner, their future partner, or themselves. I would also like to express how important this topic is and how to go about explaining it to children so they do not find themselves in situations that are unsafe or have no idea what to expect when they get married. This topic is actually something that is important to me, personally, because, like many men and women, I was sexually abused and I constantly viewed sex as something monsters did and something that was totally horrific. This is the reality many children and adults face and I would like to provide some help and light because while it can be used for something utterly terrifying, sex is a wonderful and sacred thing. On behalf of many who have suffered such views and trauma, I would like to apologize because no one deserves to have something so sacred taken away by someone, whether it be a stranger or a family member.
      For those who have had sex before marriage or have considered having it before, let me put into terms why it is suggested to wait for the right person/your spouse. Let's say that you have a little cake that was only made for you and one other person. Once you share that cake with someone, it is gone forever. You cannot replace it or make another one because it was the only cake of its kind. You can try to replicate the cake for someone else but it will never be the same or be as special as that original cake. Sexual intimacy is something that is/should be enjoyable, safe, and comfortable for the couple. Just like the cake, you and your sexual activity should only be shared with one person who will cherish, respect, and enjoy you. If not, there will be regret, pain, and heartache.
       Once you have established who you will sharing yourself with, the next step is to actually do it (when both of you are ready). But what actually happens? Don't worry, I am not going to go into the dirty details, but I will explain the four stages of intercourse. The first stage is arousal/excitement.  This is where the heart rate increases, the blood pressure rises, you feel those little "butterflies" in your stomach, the eyes dilate, blood rushes into the penis and erects it, and vagina lubricates and the protective muscles relax. The second phase is known as the "plateau" where the tension builds. Think of this like the build up of a huge sneeze. This tension and build up is what leads us to the third stage: the climax/orgasm. This is where the sperm, Cowper gland, and prostate gland are released from the penis into the vagina and uterus. Serotonin and dopamine are the happy hormones are released from the brain, and well as oxytocin (bonding hormone) is also released in the woman. This the stage where the most pleasure is felt before the last stage, recovery/refractory, occurs. Stage four is basically the decline of feelings and where the course is reaching or at an end. Unlike what many may believe, the four stages do line up perfectly with both people. Men go through the four stages much faster than women and only go through orgasm once, while women tend to take their time and can go through orgasm more than once (or not at all in some cases). It is important to understand these differences because some may be frustrated with their partners either because they seem to taking things too quickly or too slowly. Word of advice: have patience and try to remember the differences.
     So, now that we know the basics of the biology of the topic, how and when do you explain it to children? Often times, children and teens are taught sex ed from schools, but the programs are often not helpful, traumatizing, can really effect how the children view sex and even their parents. The same risks can come from children being taught by family members, either immediate or extended, if it is not taught in an age appropriate manner or way. The best way to teach a child is to not frantically push the topic aside when they ask where babies come from and relate it to something they will understand without going into the gory details. One example would be if your four year old comes up to you and asks where babies come from you can say, "I'll explain it more when you are older, but babies come from mommies and daddies when they are in love. Mommies and daddies have different body parts so they can work together." One girl in my class told us this story she read in another class where a littler girl asked her mother if sex was better than candy. Rather than frantically blowing her off, the mother said, "oh yeah, way better! But, it's even better when you are married." Setting the communication standards of the topic with parents and children is so important because it should be talked about, just not so much that that is the only topic discussed. If the child is not informed at all and gets married, they will often find themselves in this awkward situation where they have this biological desire to have sex, but they don't know how to do it or if it is normal. No spouse really wants to have the birds and the bees talk with their other spouse, as well as no one wants to feel like they are burden to their partner by not feeling comfortable by either not knowing anything or knowing more. You are doing your child a favor by teaching them is a safe and healthy manner.
       It is normal to feel a bit awkward when reading this blog about this topic, but I hope it was more helpful than not. Sex is something that is exciting and good. In an interview with Laura Brotherson, an LDS marriage and family therapists who specializes in sex, she made a point about sex being something that is supposed to fun and enjoyable, where the couple can feel comfortable and even tease each other in and out of the bedroom. However, make sure that you and your spouse do not do anything that would undermine the other and make them feel safe. You have a sacred responsibility to take care of yourself and your partner. Do not ruin this but hurting them or undermining them. If you would like to know more on how to strengthen your sexual relations with your partner, check out the books,"And They Were Not Ashamed," and "Knowing Her Intimately," both by Laura Brotherson.
     

Until next time,


Toni Jo Despain