How often do we view the topic of marital intimacy (better known as sex) as something terrifying or taboo? Something only dirty people talk about? While it is a sacred topic and is often not treated as so, marital intimacy is so important as a human race and is not something people are well informed of.
I'm not going to give a full anatomy lesson on reproduction to save time, but I will give enough of a summary to set up a main understanding to hopefully help those who don't really understand their partner, their future partner, or themselves. I would also like to express how important this topic is and how to go about explaining it to children so they do not find themselves in situations that are unsafe or have no idea what to expect when they get married. This topic is actually something that is important to me, personally, because, like many men and women, I was sexually abused and I constantly viewed sex as something monsters did and something that was totally horrific. This is the reality many children and adults face and I would like to provide some help and light because while it can be used for something utterly terrifying, sex is a wonderful and sacred thing. On behalf of many who have suffered such views and trauma, I would like to apologize because no one deserves to have something so sacred taken away by someone, whether it be a stranger or a family member.
For those who have had sex before marriage or have considered having it before, let me put into terms why it is suggested to wait for the right person/your spouse. Let's say that you have a little cake that was only made for you and one other person. Once you share that cake with someone, it is gone forever. You cannot replace it or make another one because it was the only cake of its kind. You can try to replicate the cake for someone else but it will never be the same or be as special as that original cake. Sexual intimacy is something that is/should be enjoyable, safe, and comfortable for the couple. Just like the cake, you and your sexual activity should only be shared with one person who will cherish, respect, and enjoy you. If not, there will be regret, pain, and heartache.
Once you have established who you will sharing yourself with, the next step is to actually do it (when both of you are ready). But what actually happens? Don't worry, I am not going to go into the dirty details, but I will explain the four stages of intercourse. The first stage is arousal/excitement. This is where the heart rate increases, the blood pressure rises, you feel those little "butterflies" in your stomach, the eyes dilate, blood rushes into the penis and erects it, and vagina lubricates and the protective muscles relax. The second phase is known as the "plateau" where the tension builds. Think of this like the build up of a huge sneeze. This tension and build up is what leads us to the third stage: the climax/orgasm. This is where the sperm, Cowper gland, and prostate gland are released from the penis into the vagina and uterus. Serotonin and dopamine are the happy hormones are released from the brain, and well as oxytocin (bonding hormone) is also released in the woman. This the stage where the most pleasure is felt before the last stage, recovery/refractory, occurs. Stage four is basically the decline of feelings and where the course is reaching or at an end. Unlike what many may believe, the four stages do line up perfectly with both people. Men go through the four stages much faster than women and only go through orgasm once, while women tend to take their time and can go through orgasm more than once (or not at all in some cases). It is important to understand these differences because some may be frustrated with their partners either because they seem to taking things too quickly or too slowly. Word of advice: have patience and try to remember the differences.
So, now that we know the basics of the biology of the topic, how and when do you explain it to children? Often times, children and teens are taught sex ed from schools, but the programs are often not helpful, traumatizing, can really effect how the children view sex and even their parents. The same risks can come from children being taught by family members, either immediate or extended, if it is not taught in an age appropriate manner or way. The best way to teach a child is to not frantically push the topic aside when they ask where babies come from and relate it to something they will understand without going into the gory details. One example would be if your four year old comes up to you and asks where babies come from you can say, "I'll explain it more when you are older, but babies come from mommies and daddies when they are in love. Mommies and daddies have different body parts so they can work together." One girl in my class told us this story she read in another class where a littler girl asked her mother if sex was better than candy. Rather than frantically blowing her off, the mother said, "oh yeah, way better! But, it's even better when you are married." Setting the communication standards of the topic with parents and children is so important because it should be talked about, just not so much that that is the only topic discussed. If the child is not informed at all and gets married, they will often find themselves in this awkward situation where they have this biological desire to have sex, but they don't know how to do it or if it is normal. No spouse really wants to have the birds and the bees talk with their other spouse, as well as no one wants to feel like they are burden to their partner by not feeling comfortable by either not knowing anything or knowing more. You are doing your child a favor by teaching them is a safe and healthy manner.
It is normal to feel a bit awkward when reading this blog about this topic, but I hope it was more helpful than not. Sex is something that is exciting and good. In an interview with Laura Brotherson, an LDS marriage and family therapists who specializes in sex, she made a point about sex being something that is supposed to fun and enjoyable, where the couple can feel comfortable and even tease each other in and out of the bedroom. However, make sure that you and your spouse do not do anything that would undermine the other and make them feel safe. You have a sacred responsibility to take care of yourself and your partner. Do not ruin this but hurting them or undermining them. If you would like to know more on how to strengthen your sexual relations with your partner, check out the books,"And They Were Not Ashamed," and "Knowing Her Intimately," both by Laura Brotherson.
Until next time,
Toni Jo Despain
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