May the Force Be With Your Divorce and Step Parenting

              I remember going to elementary and middle school and having the majority of my classmates be from divorced and/or blended family. This was so much of a norm that I even asked my own mother if she was going to get a divorce from my father, not realizing how offensive and/or outlandish this sort of question could be. As I got older, I began to view divorce as the absolute worse thing in the whole word and pitied anyone whose family went through it or had a blended family (a couple with children from previous partners/marriages comes together in a marriage. The previous marriage could have ended in divorce or widow). Of course, this wasn't a very realistic view, either. While divorce and/or blending a family is a very difficult process to go through, it may not be as terrible as it seems, and may actually be of benefit to the family members. However, there are some things that could either make or break a blended family and the relationships within. I hope to be able to provide some help and insight for those who may be going through this sort of equation.

      There are six stages of divorce that include emotional, legal, economic, co-parental, community, and psychic. Emotional divorce can happen when the spouses have no more connection to one another, and is a precursor to a legal divorce. Legal divorce is where a judge and attorneys deviate the "stuff" and "properties" of each individual. Economic divorce is the actual deviation of the "stuff". Co-parental is the legal and physical custody of the children (if any). Community divorce is leaving the comfortable circle of friends, family, and region either physically or emotionally. Finally, psychic divorce is where the individual must accept that the relationship is at a halt and regain their senses as they start a different life. Often times, there may be shaming of the individual/individuals when they get a divorce. However, while there are some people who get divorced because they find marriage as disposable, divorce may actually be something that will get one or more individuals out of an unsafe or unhappy situation.  

      Those who are at risk of divorce are those who were married as teenagers, people over the age of 30 years, remarried with children, adultery, abuse, alcoholism (also known as the 3A's), long distance, war, economics, children of divorced parents, those with a poor education, and/or those who have little to no support from family members. However, those who get divorced often find themselves regretting getting a divorce with their spouse about six months to a year after their divorce, which is when most people end up getting married, again. Food for thought.

      As always, let's do some imagining. Let's say you're packing to go on a dream vacation with your family. You will be staying on vacation for a while, so you'll need to bring a lot of stuff. What will you bring and what will you leave behind? What sort of "baggage" do you carry into a relationship and could you take so your load is lighter but still has all of the proper things that make you, well, you? Some "baggage" we can bring into a relationship, especially when coming from previous marriages, are guilt, mistrust, fear, anger, resentment, desire for approval, secrets, easily offended, off-putting, and possibly addiction. You could also find yourself throwing yourself or your spouse on the parent wagon when the kids are not adjusted to the new family dynamic yet. After doing things one way for a while and watching is all fall apart and then build something from a different set of pieces, times are going to be hard. What can we do to get rid of the unneeded "baggage" and prevent another marriage from falling apart? Well, to start off, identifying what sort of things both individuals carry and then communicating what sorts of expectations each couple would like in their marriage may be a good place to start. However, if there are children coming into the new family, it is important to develop a relationship with them and respect them. You may also need to establish how you and your new spouse will parent the children fairly, as well making sure the children feel like they are being heard and not forced into a situation they don't like. Please be considerate of all members of your new family.

       I hope that through this blog, I have been able to show some tendencies of divorce and remarriage, as well as to provide insight who have gone or are going through divorce and/or remarriage. It is not easy, but life isn’t, either. At church a few weeks ago, someone told me something that has helped me through these past few weeks and I hope it will help you, too. She said, "If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it."

Until next time,

Toni Jo Despain