"Calm down, I know where we're going. It's the next turn!"
"Are you sure? Honey, we are lost! I knew we should have just asked for directions!"
"We don't need directions. I know where we're going!"
Sound familiar? Whether this is your family or you've seen it on t.v., common, relatable humor for onlookers is when married couples go on road trips. Usually one spouse will be so worried and want to ask for directions or find a map, while the other will insist that they know exactly what to do and they will use their trusty GPS or their gut and don't need to pull over to ask for directions. And believe it or not, there are some family mapping skills where we may need to pull over for some directions, readjust our GPS, or flip the map to read it correctly.
In my class today, my professor told us about this man named Salvador Minuchin. Minuchin was a therapist who would go and visit in hospitals with "frequent flier" families. These are the people who come to the hospital multiple times in a short period of time, usually for the same reasons. This therapist would bring in the patient (usually a child) and their families into a room and notice their behaviors and interactions. These could include how the family sits by each other, who talks the most, how the child acts when the parents talk about marital issues, and what usually happens when the child's health symptoms arise. After his session, he would create a family map.
The best way to explain a family map is a symbolic representation of the family. Here is the analogy my teacher gave: imagine you and your spouse are going house hunting for that perfect, little starter home.The first one you pull up to is guarded by eight feet tall, cinder block walls with barbed wire on the top. But once you get inside, you find that its a very cute, little cottage. After leaving that house, you travel down the road to find another little home. This home has fence posts sticking out of the ground but the actual fence is not built. Because of this, you notice paths in the yard going in between the posts. What do these two houses say? Well, we can assume that the inhabitants of the first home wants privacy and not much, if any, interaction with the outside world. The second one is the opposite. This one is very open and welcoming to everyone. But how does this analogy relate to family mapping? Below is a picture of a family map. Dotted lines indicate an open line of communication or boundary with a family member, where as a solid line is a closed line of communication or boundary with a family member. These boundaries can be different for every relationship for anyone within the family. These boundaries can also change over time. You may find that when your child was younger, your boundary was a dotted line, but now its becoming more solid as they grow. We can also signify who is more of the head of the family or the "rank" of the family (for lack of better words) by drawing the letters higher, lower, or next to each other.
After reading this information, does it get you thinking about what your family map looks like? Do you have any solid lines you might want to poke holes through? Or do you have dotted lines that may prove better filled? Do you need to go to someone to help give you directions or draw you a map? Or is this all very uncomfortable? I know from learning this lesson and my teacher asking us to draw our family maps that it can be very uncomfortable. But fret not, for this is not supposed to be guilt playing task or one to make you go, "oh no my family isn't perfect!!" No one has a perfect family. No one is perfect. It's ok to look at your map and say, "wow, maybe if I had a dotted line here then that would help this family member and me, " or "mm you know, having this solid line actually keeps me safe."
Whatever your map may look like, I encourage you to go over it with your family members and see if there's anything to change. And remember, before starting those road trip arguments, look at your map.
Until next time,
Toni Jo Despain
Examples of Family Maps:
wow i never knew about this before very informative and well written
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