In previous blog posts, I have continuously written that communication is a simple solution to marital problems, but I didn't provide any sort of guidance as to how to communicate with your spouse or family member. For that, I apologize and wish to provide you with effective ways of communication, as well as the least effective ways.
Forms of communication are nonverbal (used 51% of the time), tone (35%) and words (14%). Without these, there is a cause of miscommunication. A big example of miscommunication because the lack of one or more of these communication forms, is texting and/or social media. I'm sure all of us who have participated in texting or using technology as a way of communicating has had some sort of experience of miscommunication, and I'm sure no one would say it was a pleasant experience. When communicating, there is an entire process and cycle that starts with 1. The Sender, 2. Sending an encoded (specific) message, 3. Decoding (understanding) the message and 4. The intended listener being influenced and the cycle starting all over again.
This cycle allows for the sender to share their thoughts to the influenced listener and alter their thoughts accordingly, if it is not expressed correctly out loud. Despite current beliefs, it is alright to be transparent in the sense that you are open, honest, and direct in your thoughts and feelings. Please do not deny yourself or the person you are talking to those rights of transparency. At the same time, transparency is not explaining every little detail of your life without fail, for that may cause of a bit of, well, annoyance.
Let's do an exercise in which we pick the next step of action for this couple's story: A husband comes home from work, exhausted and hungry, expecting to have a hot dinner ready and set on the table. His wife has been taking care of their newborn child all day and wasn't able to finish, or even start, to make dinner by the time her husband got home. What should happen?
A.) The husband comes home and yells at his wife for not having dinner done, and she returns his anger in saying that if he helped around the house more rather than yell at her, then maybe dinner could be easier to prepare.
B.) The husband comes home and not help his wife, but explains everything about his day and not leave room for her to share her day (or vice versa).
C.) The husband comes home, assess the situation, helps out his wife with whatever she may need, and both can explain their days and feelings with each other without interruption or contention.
There are many, many scenarios that could take place, but out the three, which would be the most desirable and effective way of communication? If you answered the letter 'C', then you would be correct for this exercise.
I would just like to take this moment to share a few quotes by my teacher that I found to be very insightful and helpful in considering good communication. His quotes are as follows: "When it comes to communication, one cannot not communicate," and "A defense looks an awful lot like an offense." Not communicating at all is not effective, especially in a relationship, and while you may feel your partner is putting up offensive barriers, they may be being defensive. Please take time to consider what may need to happen to have open communication between you and your loved ones, now that you understand what is effective and not effective.
Until next time,
Toni Jo Despain
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