This week in class we talked about the subject that is, personally, my favorite: marriage! Now, I am well aware that my emotions towards marriage are not always shared by the general public. However, whether one likes it or not, marriage is a huge part of everyone's lives, no matter who or where they are. But, what needs to happen before marriage? That's right, dating.
When is the last time you went on a date that didn't seem pressured or awkward or with someone who you could trust? Do you often feel like dating is a "lost art" or that the roles in dating are often skewed? Or maybe you find that you hang-out more than date? Well, you're not the only one who has felt this way or have experienced such things. In fact, what inclines one to date, the roles in dating, and shared similarities between two people are what predicts a marriage.
When dating, remember the three "p's" : planned/planning, paid for, and paired off. The difference between a date and a hangout is an activity that is planned. Whether it is planned by the boy or the girl, make sure that the plan is something fun, safe, and logical. An example would be if you take a date on a hike, good planning would be knowing where the hike is, you have all of the safety precautions, and that you and your date have the proper attire. Be attentive of your date and make sure they are having fun. A date doesn't always have to be paid for or expensive, but when it is, make sure you and your date knows who is paying. A good rule of thumb is to have the person who asked be the person who pays. Many people tend to go on group dates or out with friends which is fine, but make sure you know who your date is in that group date. None of these are meant to cause offense, but advice. From experience, I know how hard it may be to come up with activities to do, especially when money may be tight. It is ok to stay home and watch a movie and eat food as long as it is intentional.
Along with the three "'p's", there is another set that directly correlates: preside with planned, provide with paired for, and protect with paired off. Preside and don't be wishy-washy with your plans, be the one who provides the material or means of pay for the date if that is what was decided by the both of you, and honor your date and protect them at all costs. Do not take advantage of them or their time. It is not fair to you or your date.
Now that we have established the art of dating, let's move on to love and marriage. The biggest predictors of a successful marriage are how we date, similarities that are shared, and the propinquity (which is a fancy word for proximity and access to the person. Feel free to use this word to sound smart at parties.) You are most likely to find the right match if you share common ground and are in close proximity with the person. Of course, there are always people who are an exception, but these just general rules of thumb and advice that works for a fair majority. Before marriage, remember that it is ok to have personal space. Don't date until you hate, meaning that it is wise not to spend every bit of time with someone that you end up hating them and becoming incredibly annoyed. With the intentional time (at least twice a week), it is better to be satisfied and grateful for the time spent together. Make sure to have good and open communication with your significant other, and watch your reactions when asked on dates because it is ok to show excitement. Encourage talking on the phone or face-to-face rather than texting so there is no miscommunication. It is ok if the relationship doesn't work out or start at all, but don't break hearts because of your broken courage.
When you hear the word "love", what do you think of? The Princess Bride? Maybe your favorite song or heart shaped clouds with a dozen roses and a box of chocolate? Would it surprise you if I told you that there are four different kinds of love? It surprised me until I realized what they were and had experienced them myself. Let's go down the list: Agape is charity or love for another person, such as a stranger. Eros is passion, usually between a man and a women, and can be sexual but it doesn't have to be. Storge (pronounced store-gae) is a parent/ child relationship. Lastly, philia is love between friends, or is also known as brotherly love. Believe it or not, no one can survive without love, just like no one can survive without food or water. We need love to survive, so please remember to give love as well as receive it. Do not close yourself off or you will find yourself to be figuratively (and literally in extreme cases) starved. But do not be deceived and "fall" into love. As my teacher said, we usually avoid falling; wouldn't it be better to grow love? This is different than finding someone to be attractive and immediately feeling the need to get to know them. That is often mistaken as falling in love, but it merely being attracted. Remember, nothing is perfect, but through trial and error, and successful marriage will come. It will be between you and your spouse to make this happen.
Until next time,
Toni Jo Despain
Friday, October 20, 2017
Friday, October 13, 2017
The Why to the Difference
As a warning, this week's post will be about homosexuality. This particular subject is a wonderful one to discuss, however it can bring a lot of hostility and controversy. To be clear, none of the information enclosed is to cause discomfort or a fight. It is purely out of scientific evidence, discussion, and love of fellow men.
Have you ever talked to someone who identifies themselves as gay or lesbian, who claims that they are "born this way"? Did you ever wonder if that claim is true? Well, scientists sure did. There were multiple studies performed on identical twins. Ideally, because identical twins have identical DNA, if one twin is gay then the other should be, as well, if it is genetic, right? Well, that's not what the results showed. One study concluded that only 52% claimed that both were gay, and another study in Australia concluded that only 11% claimed to both be gay. I don't know about you, but I find that to be incredibly intriguing. But if homosexuality isn't something people are born with, then how does it happen?
Studies have shown that those who identify as homosexual have been sexually abused or molested. Or, their home environment is one where they seek to feel loved. For example, if a boy is raised in a home where there father is neglectful and/or abusive, he will want to have that void to be filled, most likely by a male figure because that is the relationship that is vacant. Then, because they like that connection with the male figure, they believe themselves to be gay. Or, if the child has been molested or abused, they often find themselves in a cycle of guilt and confusion. Confusion because they liked the feelings but they didn't ask for them or long for them. And guilt because they didn't say no to something they didn't want. So after going through this cycle and trying to make sense of something that will never make sense, these kids begin to identify themselves as gay solely because they believe that is the only reason as to why they would be feeling the way that they do. These are examples of unwanted homosexual attraction. If you find that you have unwanted homosexual attraction and you long for a relationship with someone of the opposite gender, then that is wonderful and not impossible to do. If you are homosexual for these reasons or others and you feel comfortable with your lifestyle, then I am not asking you to change. This article is solely for everyone to understand where this may come from.
Also, my teacher brought up another interesting point I wanted to discuss because this is something else that is also very controversial. He gave an example of two parents having a conversation with friends about their five year old child. In a relieved manner, they say, "Yep, we figured out that he/she is gay/lesbian. Now we can finally help them get treated." Don't worry, it's perfectly acceptable to make a funky face or have your jaw drop. Mine totally did. Unlike what many people may believe, homosexuality is not a disease and children don't think romantically or sexually the way teenagers and adults do. If your child is presenting behaviors, do not label them, for they are likely to be bullied and excluded from peers and you, especially when they were labeled as something they most likely are not. I am not trying reprimand anyone, but I am hoping to get across that it is important to not judge your child or have your adult views forget that your child is just that: a child.
Please believe me when I say that we are loved, no matter how we identify ourselves. If you or anyone else is in need of this post or is seeking help for whatever it may be, please extend a hand of love.
Until next time,
Toni Jo
Have you ever talked to someone who identifies themselves as gay or lesbian, who claims that they are "born this way"? Did you ever wonder if that claim is true? Well, scientists sure did. There were multiple studies performed on identical twins. Ideally, because identical twins have identical DNA, if one twin is gay then the other should be, as well, if it is genetic, right? Well, that's not what the results showed. One study concluded that only 52% claimed that both were gay, and another study in Australia concluded that only 11% claimed to both be gay. I don't know about you, but I find that to be incredibly intriguing. But if homosexuality isn't something people are born with, then how does it happen?
Studies have shown that those who identify as homosexual have been sexually abused or molested. Or, their home environment is one where they seek to feel loved. For example, if a boy is raised in a home where there father is neglectful and/or abusive, he will want to have that void to be filled, most likely by a male figure because that is the relationship that is vacant. Then, because they like that connection with the male figure, they believe themselves to be gay. Or, if the child has been molested or abused, they often find themselves in a cycle of guilt and confusion. Confusion because they liked the feelings but they didn't ask for them or long for them. And guilt because they didn't say no to something they didn't want. So after going through this cycle and trying to make sense of something that will never make sense, these kids begin to identify themselves as gay solely because they believe that is the only reason as to why they would be feeling the way that they do. These are examples of unwanted homosexual attraction. If you find that you have unwanted homosexual attraction and you long for a relationship with someone of the opposite gender, then that is wonderful and not impossible to do. If you are homosexual for these reasons or others and you feel comfortable with your lifestyle, then I am not asking you to change. This article is solely for everyone to understand where this may come from.
Also, my teacher brought up another interesting point I wanted to discuss because this is something else that is also very controversial. He gave an example of two parents having a conversation with friends about their five year old child. In a relieved manner, they say, "Yep, we figured out that he/she is gay/lesbian. Now we can finally help them get treated." Don't worry, it's perfectly acceptable to make a funky face or have your jaw drop. Mine totally did. Unlike what many people may believe, homosexuality is not a disease and children don't think romantically or sexually the way teenagers and adults do. If your child is presenting behaviors, do not label them, for they are likely to be bullied and excluded from peers and you, especially when they were labeled as something they most likely are not. I am not trying reprimand anyone, but I am hoping to get across that it is important to not judge your child or have your adult views forget that your child is just that: a child.
Please believe me when I say that we are loved, no matter how we identify ourselves. If you or anyone else is in need of this post or is seeking help for whatever it may be, please extend a hand of love.
Until next time,
Toni Jo
Friday, October 6, 2017
My Horse is Bigger Than Your Horse
Last week, we talked about different family trends and structures within a home. This week, I would like to discuss family culture. No, I'm not talking about the bacteria that's currently growing on the cheese in your family's fridge. These cultures are interconnected with family trends, but are, essentially, how these families act.
Let's start off with some definitions of the words tradition, ritual, and culture. Tradition is an intergenerational and/or inherited pattern of behavior or beliefs. An example would be faith or religion that is passed down through family lines. Rituals are daily or annual doings. This would be like putting your pants on before putting on your socks and shoes, every day. Culture is the attitude and behavior of a particular social group. Now I have a feeling that I know what you're thinking; "What is my family culture and the traditions and rituals we do?" Or at least something along those lines. How about I lay out a few hypothetical family cultures and you see if you can find any patterns in behavior or status.
Family 1. The parents are happily married, the whole family participates in everything, the house is huge and gorgeous, and dad or mom have a high-and-mighty job.
Family 2. Mom and/or Dad work at an ok job, they try to spend as much time with their kids as possible, budgets might be tight but are manageable, and the house isn't the best but its not the worst.
Family 3. Mom or Dad's out of the picture and has been for a while, the only parent at home is never at home, the parent (and sometimes the kids) works one or a few low paying jobs, the home is less than par, and there is no time to participate in activities because the family is just getting by.
Notice anything? While many people don't want to accept it, our society still has social class systems, and this often affects how we treat others or categorize each other. I know I'm guilty of this. I grew up in a town where you have the upper class neighborhood wtih the middle and lower classes right next to them or just in the other town. Do you find that you tend to judge, literally, your neighbor or that others judge you based on your social class? Do you find that your family's culture is not exactly what you would like to live like? Does your family have traditions or rituals you really enjoy and agree with, and/or are there any that you wish to change?
Well, if you find you answered yes to any of these questions, there is great news: you are more than capable to do something about this! You can start understanding your neighbors more and their stories by befriending them. You can make a physical or mental list of goals or traditions you wish to set for your current and/or future families and present them with loved ones. You can also remember that no family is perfect and that life is a game of survival with a family as the game players. No matter what your current situation, just do your best to not judge yourselves or others.
Until Next Time,
Toni Jo Despain
Let's start off with some definitions of the words tradition, ritual, and culture. Tradition is an intergenerational and/or inherited pattern of behavior or beliefs. An example would be faith or religion that is passed down through family lines. Rituals are daily or annual doings. This would be like putting your pants on before putting on your socks and shoes, every day. Culture is the attitude and behavior of a particular social group. Now I have a feeling that I know what you're thinking; "What is my family culture and the traditions and rituals we do?" Or at least something along those lines. How about I lay out a few hypothetical family cultures and you see if you can find any patterns in behavior or status.
Family 1. The parents are happily married, the whole family participates in everything, the house is huge and gorgeous, and dad or mom have a high-and-mighty job.
Family 2. Mom and/or Dad work at an ok job, they try to spend as much time with their kids as possible, budgets might be tight but are manageable, and the house isn't the best but its not the worst.
Family 3. Mom or Dad's out of the picture and has been for a while, the only parent at home is never at home, the parent (and sometimes the kids) works one or a few low paying jobs, the home is less than par, and there is no time to participate in activities because the family is just getting by.
Notice anything? While many people don't want to accept it, our society still has social class systems, and this often affects how we treat others or categorize each other. I know I'm guilty of this. I grew up in a town where you have the upper class neighborhood wtih the middle and lower classes right next to them or just in the other town. Do you find that you tend to judge, literally, your neighbor or that others judge you based on your social class? Do you find that your family's culture is not exactly what you would like to live like? Does your family have traditions or rituals you really enjoy and agree with, and/or are there any that you wish to change?
Well, if you find you answered yes to any of these questions, there is great news: you are more than capable to do something about this! You can start understanding your neighbors more and their stories by befriending them. You can make a physical or mental list of goals or traditions you wish to set for your current and/or future families and present them with loved ones. You can also remember that no family is perfect and that life is a game of survival with a family as the game players. No matter what your current situation, just do your best to not judge yourselves or others.
Until Next Time,
Toni Jo Despain
Friday, September 29, 2017
Who Reads Maps Anymore?
"Honey, turn here! We are going to miss our exit!"
"Calm down, I know where we're going. It's the next turn!"
"Are you sure? Honey, we are lost! I knew we should have just asked for directions!"
"We don't need directions. I know where we're going!"
Sound familiar? Whether this is your family or you've seen it on t.v., common, relatable humor for onlookers is when married couples go on road trips. Usually one spouse will be so worried and want to ask for directions or find a map, while the other will insist that they know exactly what to do and they will use their trusty GPS or their gut and don't need to pull over to ask for directions. And believe it or not, there are some family mapping skills where we may need to pull over for some directions, readjust our GPS, or flip the map to read it correctly.
In my class today, my professor told us about this man named Salvador Minuchin. Minuchin was a therapist who would go and visit in hospitals with "frequent flier" families. These are the people who come to the hospital multiple times in a short period of time, usually for the same reasons. This therapist would bring in the patient (usually a child) and their families into a room and notice their behaviors and interactions. These could include how the family sits by each other, who talks the most, how the child acts when the parents talk about marital issues, and what usually happens when the child's health symptoms arise. After his session, he would create a family map.
The best way to explain a family map is a symbolic representation of the family. Here is the analogy my teacher gave: imagine you and your spouse are going house hunting for that perfect, little starter home.The first one you pull up to is guarded by eight feet tall, cinder block walls with barbed wire on the top. But once you get inside, you find that its a very cute, little cottage. After leaving that house, you travel down the road to find another little home. This home has fence posts sticking out of the ground but the actual fence is not built. Because of this, you notice paths in the yard going in between the posts. What do these two houses say? Well, we can assume that the inhabitants of the first home wants privacy and not much, if any, interaction with the outside world. The second one is the opposite. This one is very open and welcoming to everyone. But how does this analogy relate to family mapping? Below is a picture of a family map. Dotted lines indicate an open line of communication or boundary with a family member, where as a solid line is a closed line of communication or boundary with a family member. These boundaries can be different for every relationship for anyone within the family. These boundaries can also change over time. You may find that when your child was younger, your boundary was a dotted line, but now its becoming more solid as they grow. We can also signify who is more of the head of the family or the "rank" of the family (for lack of better words) by drawing the letters higher, lower, or next to each other.
After reading this information, does it get you thinking about what your family map looks like? Do you have any solid lines you might want to poke holes through? Or do you have dotted lines that may prove better filled? Do you need to go to someone to help give you directions or draw you a map? Or is this all very uncomfortable? I know from learning this lesson and my teacher asking us to draw our family maps that it can be very uncomfortable. But fret not, for this is not supposed to be guilt playing task or one to make you go, "oh no my family isn't perfect!!" No one has a perfect family. No one is perfect. It's ok to look at your map and say, "wow, maybe if I had a dotted line here then that would help this family member and me, " or "mm you know, having this solid line actually keeps me safe."
Whatever your map may look like, I encourage you to go over it with your family members and see if there's anything to change. And remember, before starting those road trip arguments, look at your map.
Until next time,
Toni Jo Despain
Examples of Family Maps:
"Calm down, I know where we're going. It's the next turn!"
"Are you sure? Honey, we are lost! I knew we should have just asked for directions!"
"We don't need directions. I know where we're going!"
Sound familiar? Whether this is your family or you've seen it on t.v., common, relatable humor for onlookers is when married couples go on road trips. Usually one spouse will be so worried and want to ask for directions or find a map, while the other will insist that they know exactly what to do and they will use their trusty GPS or their gut and don't need to pull over to ask for directions. And believe it or not, there are some family mapping skills where we may need to pull over for some directions, readjust our GPS, or flip the map to read it correctly.
In my class today, my professor told us about this man named Salvador Minuchin. Minuchin was a therapist who would go and visit in hospitals with "frequent flier" families. These are the people who come to the hospital multiple times in a short period of time, usually for the same reasons. This therapist would bring in the patient (usually a child) and their families into a room and notice their behaviors and interactions. These could include how the family sits by each other, who talks the most, how the child acts when the parents talk about marital issues, and what usually happens when the child's health symptoms arise. After his session, he would create a family map.
The best way to explain a family map is a symbolic representation of the family. Here is the analogy my teacher gave: imagine you and your spouse are going house hunting for that perfect, little starter home.The first one you pull up to is guarded by eight feet tall, cinder block walls with barbed wire on the top. But once you get inside, you find that its a very cute, little cottage. After leaving that house, you travel down the road to find another little home. This home has fence posts sticking out of the ground but the actual fence is not built. Because of this, you notice paths in the yard going in between the posts. What do these two houses say? Well, we can assume that the inhabitants of the first home wants privacy and not much, if any, interaction with the outside world. The second one is the opposite. This one is very open and welcoming to everyone. But how does this analogy relate to family mapping? Below is a picture of a family map. Dotted lines indicate an open line of communication or boundary with a family member, where as a solid line is a closed line of communication or boundary with a family member. These boundaries can be different for every relationship for anyone within the family. These boundaries can also change over time. You may find that when your child was younger, your boundary was a dotted line, but now its becoming more solid as they grow. We can also signify who is more of the head of the family or the "rank" of the family (for lack of better words) by drawing the letters higher, lower, or next to each other.
After reading this information, does it get you thinking about what your family map looks like? Do you have any solid lines you might want to poke holes through? Or do you have dotted lines that may prove better filled? Do you need to go to someone to help give you directions or draw you a map? Or is this all very uncomfortable? I know from learning this lesson and my teacher asking us to draw our family maps that it can be very uncomfortable. But fret not, for this is not supposed to be guilt playing task or one to make you go, "oh no my family isn't perfect!!" No one has a perfect family. No one is perfect. It's ok to look at your map and say, "wow, maybe if I had a dotted line here then that would help this family member and me, " or "mm you know, having this solid line actually keeps me safe."
Whatever your map may look like, I encourage you to go over it with your family members and see if there's anything to change. And remember, before starting those road trip arguments, look at your map.
Until next time,
Toni Jo Despain
Examples of Family Maps:
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
Please Follow These, Too!
Courtney Scott
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courtneyscottfamilyrelations.wordpress.com
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Jeffrey Meldrum’s Blog
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http://jeffreymeldrum.weebly.com/
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Kandace Evans
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Ellie Smith
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https://ellierenesmith.wixsite.com/adventures
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Destiny Mills
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destinymeniah.blogspot.com
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Sophie Draper
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http://weallneedthefam.blogspot.com/
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Ivana Borba
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LiMing Colkett
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Parker Ogden
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http://parkerogden.blogspot.com/
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Casslyn Fisher
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https://casslynfisherfam.blogspot.com/
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Rebekah Dunn
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RebekahsRants.weebly.com
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Erica Schumacher
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Elizabeth Smith
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Lindsey Johnson
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Ashlyn Taylor
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Toni Jo Despain
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Zach Clark
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familyrelationszc.blogspot.com
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Sydnie Stoddard
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http://thatopheliagirl.weebly.com/
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Eliah Gibson
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Mariah Prado
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Kirie Steinagel
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Rebecca Field
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Alayna Hudson
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Ashley Clawson
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Derek Russell
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Kennedy Blaser
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Latricia Pinto
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TaLee Rose
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familyrelationclass.blogspot.com
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Brittnee Tidwell
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Sierra Johnson
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Madison Blaylock
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Alicia Gomez
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Emily Shumway
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Sarah Cutler
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Deseret Crandall
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Leah Jonas
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Jessica Welling
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Lauren Boyd
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Briannah Ramirez
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Rhyan Cronin
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Anna McKinley
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Ashley Hirata
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Kate Fluckiger
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Mariah Carter
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Friday, September 22, 2017
The Trendy Family
Picture yourself in a sixth grade classroom with all of the wooden desks and the teacher writes the words, "Baby Boom," on the board. Your little mind tries to figure out what these words could possibly mean without it involving explosions. Thankfully, the Baby Boom is a nicknamed term describing an entire generation born between the 1950's and 60's because of the large population increase. However, there is a common misconception and mental picture of how many children were in each family. While most, myself included, pictured a minimum of five to ten children in each family, the average family only had three children.
Now that we have some history under our belts, let's talk about the present. In the current world, there are certain trends among families and/or couples that raise some questions of how our world is doing today. Below is a list of ten current family trends and facts concerning the trends.
1. Premarital Sex: Increasing
2. Births to American Women: Increasing (about 61% of women in their twenties give birth and are unmarried)
3. Living Alone: Increasing
4. Cohabitation: Increasing (Around 60-80% of couples cohabitate)
5. Delayed Marriage: (Average age of married females: 26.5 years, males: 28.5 years)
6. Extended Families No Longer Living Together: Increasing
7. Fewer Children: (Replacement birthrate is 2.13. Replacement birth is the amount of children each family would need to have in order to keep the population up as older generations are dying)
8. Household Size: Small families, big home
9. Employed Mothers: Increasing (Mothers of children six years and younger)
10. Divorce: Declining (73% married, 23% divorced)
Find anything interesting? Anything that could be correlated to one another? One trail of correlation, for example, could be cohabitation, leading to premarital sex and births to American women (facts are from American data), which then can lead to delayed marriage, having few children, employed mothers, divorce, and then living alone after the child/children move out. This is the reality to many families, today. But why should we care? What do these trends have to do with you or me? Wouldn't it be nice to know that we are all in a similar boat? No family is perfect, though we often want to be ideal to make sure all members are happy. We just need to be aware that all of our actions and choices have effect into the eternities. If you are in need of clarification of that particular statement, there is a link at the bottom of the page of a talk given by Thomas S. Monson. While family trends have changed over the last 60 years since the Baby Boom, we need not take the situation lightly. As the next generation who is to start a family, I ask that those who are planning to have children or already do to make sure that your family is taken care of and you are making the choices necessary to possibly change these trends for the better.
Until next time,
Toni Jo
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2004/10/choose-you-this-day?lang=eng
Saturday, September 16, 2017
HI-Ho Idaho
As the youngest of four children, I am used to traveling to different cities to visit my grown siblings. However, as the time drew closer for me to go to college in a different state, the concept of leaving home for longer than a few days seemed so foreign. Coming to Rexburg, Idaho from a small town in Colorado doesn't seem as exciting as some of my fellow students traveling from all over the world, but it was exciting, nonetheless. As I came to campus and interacted with everyone, all the same questions were being asked; "What's your name?", "Where are you from?", "What's your major?", and "What semester in school are you?". So to start off, I thought I would share my answers to these questions and more. My name is Toni Jo Despain. I am from Loveland, Colorado, which is right outside of Fort Collins. My major is Marriage and Family Studies with a Professional Clinical emphasis to become a marriage and family counselor. This is my first semester at BYU-Idaho and I am so excited to take the first steps into starting my career. I wanted to be a marriage and family counselor because I love marriage and believe that it should be something to take seriously. I also come from a broken home and hope to help others to have their homes and lives healed.
One of the classes I am taking this semester is Family Relations, which is basically the starting block to my career. We discuss controversial topics regarding family and marriages, today. In the first lesson, I learned that not all psychological briefs provide accurate information, so it is very important to do your research. Especially if the information is flawed with "convenient" results, no comparison groups, or involves bias information.
I am so excited to go back to class next week and learn more about the family and marriage. I can't wait to discuss more controversial topics and learn new solutions to the problems spouses and families endure today.
Until next time,
Toni Jo
One of the classes I am taking this semester is Family Relations, which is basically the starting block to my career. We discuss controversial topics regarding family and marriages, today. In the first lesson, I learned that not all psychological briefs provide accurate information, so it is very important to do your research. Especially if the information is flawed with "convenient" results, no comparison groups, or involves bias information.
I am so excited to go back to class next week and learn more about the family and marriage. I can't wait to discuss more controversial topics and learn new solutions to the problems spouses and families endure today.
Until next time,
Toni Jo
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