May the Force Be With Your Divorce and Step Parenting

              I remember going to elementary and middle school and having the majority of my classmates be from divorced and/or blended family. This was so much of a norm that I even asked my own mother if she was going to get a divorce from my father, not realizing how offensive and/or outlandish this sort of question could be. As I got older, I began to view divorce as the absolute worse thing in the whole word and pitied anyone whose family went through it or had a blended family (a couple with children from previous partners/marriages comes together in a marriage. The previous marriage could have ended in divorce or widow). Of course, this wasn't a very realistic view, either. While divorce and/or blending a family is a very difficult process to go through, it may not be as terrible as it seems, and may actually be of benefit to the family members. However, there are some things that could either make or break a blended family and the relationships within. I hope to be able to provide some help and insight for those who may be going through this sort of equation.

      There are six stages of divorce that include emotional, legal, economic, co-parental, community, and psychic. Emotional divorce can happen when the spouses have no more connection to one another, and is a precursor to a legal divorce. Legal divorce is where a judge and attorneys deviate the "stuff" and "properties" of each individual. Economic divorce is the actual deviation of the "stuff". Co-parental is the legal and physical custody of the children (if any). Community divorce is leaving the comfortable circle of friends, family, and region either physically or emotionally. Finally, psychic divorce is where the individual must accept that the relationship is at a halt and regain their senses as they start a different life. Often times, there may be shaming of the individual/individuals when they get a divorce. However, while there are some people who get divorced because they find marriage as disposable, divorce may actually be something that will get one or more individuals out of an unsafe or unhappy situation.  

      Those who are at risk of divorce are those who were married as teenagers, people over the age of 30 years, remarried with children, adultery, abuse, alcoholism (also known as the 3A's), long distance, war, economics, children of divorced parents, those with a poor education, and/or those who have little to no support from family members. However, those who get divorced often find themselves regretting getting a divorce with their spouse about six months to a year after their divorce, which is when most people end up getting married, again. Food for thought.

      As always, let's do some imagining. Let's say you're packing to go on a dream vacation with your family. You will be staying on vacation for a while, so you'll need to bring a lot of stuff. What will you bring and what will you leave behind? What sort of "baggage" do you carry into a relationship and could you take so your load is lighter but still has all of the proper things that make you, well, you? Some "baggage" we can bring into a relationship, especially when coming from previous marriages, are guilt, mistrust, fear, anger, resentment, desire for approval, secrets, easily offended, off-putting, and possibly addiction. You could also find yourself throwing yourself or your spouse on the parent wagon when the kids are not adjusted to the new family dynamic yet. After doing things one way for a while and watching is all fall apart and then build something from a different set of pieces, times are going to be hard. What can we do to get rid of the unneeded "baggage" and prevent another marriage from falling apart? Well, to start off, identifying what sort of things both individuals carry and then communicating what sorts of expectations each couple would like in their marriage may be a good place to start. However, if there are children coming into the new family, it is important to develop a relationship with them and respect them. You may also need to establish how you and your new spouse will parent the children fairly, as well making sure the children feel like they are being heard and not forced into a situation they don't like. Please be considerate of all members of your new family.

       I hope that through this blog, I have been able to show some tendencies of divorce and remarriage, as well as to provide insight who have gone or are going through divorce and/or remarriage. It is not easy, but life isn’t, either. At church a few weeks ago, someone told me something that has helped me through these past few weeks and I hope it will help you, too. She said, "If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it."

Until next time,

Toni Jo Despain

A Marriage Student's Guide to Parenting

     What does it mean to be a parent? Will the type of parenting style used affect my child, or the relationship between me and my child and/or me and my spouse?
      You may have heard of all the parenting trends that are in effect today, and often the bashing of some trends over others. However, there are four main styles of parenting where the trends may fall as subcategory. As I list and explain these styles, think about which style you use with your children, or if you don't have children, then what your parents' parenting style is. The first style is known as passive. The passive parenting style is where the parents do set rules or means of punishment when the child does wrong, and the parent favors the child's love. This can be rather destructive in the sense that the child grows up without any rules or means discipline and ends up expecting things to happen their way. The second style is authoritarian, which is where there is much discipline and little love. This style is often very ineffective in the sense that the children become sneaky in their ways and rebellion and/or are afraid and angry. The third style is neglectful, where there is little discipline and little affection. This parenting style is very ineffective and often illegal, for the child is not receiving the nurture they need to survive and are susceptible to harm from not receiving disciple for actions. The last parenting style is known as authoritative, which is the most effective parenting style for it provides discipline and love for the child.
       Parenting and caring for a child can often be very difficult and taxing, but is much needed. Without love, especially from a parent or guardian, a child does not have what they need to grow or even live. Isn't that a fascinating thought? So while your scrubbing down the crayon colored walls, taking an extra shift to get that new action figure he's been asking for for months, changing the hundredth diaper of the day, or telling your teenager they can't go to that concert until they get their grades up, just remember that your love is an important part of your child's life. It is also important to remember that as a parent you have responsibility, but we are going to write the word as response-ability. The reason for this specific and unique spelling is because we are responsible for our ability to respond to our children, especially when problems arise.
       When solving a problem, it is important to, first, establish whose problem it is. To do this, figure out who will be affected by the problem. For example, if your teenager takes your car out for a drive and returns it home without any gas and you need to go work in the morning with that car, whose problem is it? It would be your problem because it affects you and how you will need to go to work. It would be the teenager's problem had it been their car that they ran out of gas and couldn't make it to school. To be clear, establishing the problem is not establishing who is to blame. However, like this example, there still needs to be discipline for what the child did. When it's the parent's problem, there are a few steps to take and say to the child, especially if the act continues to repeat itself. Let's stick with the child driving your car example. The first step is to politely request that the child fill the gas take when they go out driving or to not use all of the gas so you can still use the car to go to work. If the act continues, the use of "I" statements comes into play. This is a way to share your feelings without the person feeling attacked. To do this, you start with, "When you [state the problem], I feel [fill in the blank]," then share your solution. If you do this but it still makes no difference, then it's time to be a bit firmer with reminding them of the solution and your feelings. Being firmer is not being violent, it's more of a solidification. If it still doesn't work, then it's time to create logical consequences. Ask the child what they think the consequences should be (but often times they may be more cruel), then talk to them about a logical consequence that you both can agree upon. Logical consequences should go along with natural consequences that would happen if its the children's problem. With the car example, a logical consequence would be that they can't take the car for a drive for three days time. Or, instead of that, they could have to pay for the gas themselves. But when the child uses up the gas in their car, their natural consequence is not being able to take the car to school. Natural consequences can be very helpful and useful, but there are exceptions, such as the consequence being too dangerous, the consequence is too far in the future, and/or the consequence affects other people.
     After reading this, I hope that I have been able to show that parenting is a team thing. You and your children are to work together to raise them, for no one knows them better than themselves and those who raised them. Parenting is not an easy thing, so kudos to you have accepted the challenge.


Until Next Time,


Toni Jo Despain

Forget the Financial Stress

      During the holiday season, it is a time to reflect and spend time with loved ones. It is also the busiest and most stressful time of the year due to travels, planning around the weather, presents, food, decorations, cleaning, etc. It seems that every year, expectations for the best holiday season and gifts to last the next year increase. However, what happens if money is tight and you can’t get that one thing your loved one wants the most? What if this is your reality all year round? I mean, money can’t buy you happiness, but it can help cover the necessities like food and shelter and everything in between.

       Life can throw some pretty wicked curve balls and one of them is a change in income. You may have to cut in half due to a new addition to the family or the loss of a job. You may have to be the breadwinner for while or downsize on a home. Or you may make bank and see what to do the money you have so you don’t go wasting and/or spending it in one place. Our society runs on money, but what do you do if you find yourself in a position where money is scarce and needs are plenty? Some ideas include planning ahead, creating a budget, save as much as possible, and decipher needs versus wants.

       Let’s take our scenarios and ideas from a marital standpoint. When planning ahead, it is best to plan for the worst case scenario and go from there. This could be the death or illness of one or both of the spouses, having no income whatsoever, etc. After deciding the worst case scenario, create a plan for and your spouse where if the scenario was to happen, then it would only be a minor financial setback. It is better to be prepared for something that may never happen than have it happen and get the wind knocked from you.

       To make things a bit easier, we are going to lump creating a budget and deciding needs versus wants together. This category can look different for everybody and can be done in many different ways. One effective way is figuring out things that you can and cannot afford to change. For example, in the can section it can be eating (i.e. going out, kinds of groceries, drinks on the way to work, etc.) or clothes (you can find some cute things at your local thrift stores for a cheap price). In the cannot section, you could have your mortgage. After putting everything in a section, it’s time to see what you need to change in the “can” section in order to not spend more than you take in. Keep in mind that you may need to change these multiple times as life goes on and as incomes change.

        Once you get that paycheck, it can be super tempting to go out and spend it on something that will temporarily make you happy. Avoid the temptation! Instead, file your money in your budget and save the rest, except for a small amount that you can call your own. Let’s face it, it was hard to get through to the next pay day and you deserve a reward. Just be conscious of how much that reward costs. Set aside $5-$10 for yourself and put the rest in budget and savings.

        There are many things to consider when going into a marriage, and a big one is who will be the major breadwinner (the supplier of the income). For some couples, the husband would be the only one while the wife stays home or vice versa. Or both spouses will have careers and have someone else take care of the kids (if any). Whatever the scenario may be, it is important to not only have a plan set and in order, but both spouses need to be comfortable with whatever changes may occur or need to occur, as well as the current plan in place. In recent years, the idea of women staying at home and taking care of the children and home while the husband is at work all day has been seen as shameful and horrible. While men and women are capable of doing wonderful things in the workplace, being taking care of a home and all within is a very noble and needed thing. It is also something that both the husband and wife should work on together to keep things running as smoothly as possible. A marriage is a partnership and that partnership involves caring for a home and all within it, as well as caring for the finances and responsibilities involved.

         Finances and money are difficult to talk about sometimes, but are so important. Please don’t forget that in a marriage, it is important to be open and honest about it and to work together. Your solution may not be the same as other families or the current trends, but just be sure it is a safe and well working solution with you and your spouse.

      

Until next time,

Toni Jo Despain

"Communication is Key"

       In previous blog posts, I have continuously written that communication is a simple solution to marital problems, but I didn't provide any sort of guidance as to how to communicate with your spouse or family member. For that, I apologize and wish to provide you with effective ways of communication, as well as the least effective ways.
      Forms of communication are nonverbal (used 51% of the time), tone (35%) and words (14%). Without these, there is a cause of miscommunication. A big example of miscommunication because the lack of one or more of these communication forms, is texting and/or social media. I'm sure all of us who have participated in texting or using technology as a way of communicating has had some sort of experience of miscommunication, and I'm sure no one would say it was a pleasant experience. When communicating, there is an entire process and cycle that starts with 1. The Sender, 2. Sending an encoded (specific) message, 3. Decoding (understanding) the message and 4. The intended listener being influenced and the cycle starting all over again.
     This cycle allows for the sender to share their thoughts to the influenced listener and alter their thoughts accordingly, if it is not expressed correctly out loud. Despite current beliefs, it is alright to be transparent in the sense that you are open, honest, and direct in your thoughts and feelings. Please do not deny yourself or the person you are talking to those rights of transparency. At the same time, transparency is not explaining every little detail of your life without fail, for that may cause of a bit of, well, annoyance.
     Let's do an exercise in which we pick the next step of action for this couple's story: A husband comes home from work, exhausted and hungry, expecting to have a hot dinner ready and set on the table. His wife has been taking care of their newborn child all day and wasn't able to finish, or even start, to make dinner by the time her husband got home. What should happen?
A.) The husband comes home and yells at his wife for not having dinner done, and she returns his anger in saying that if he helped around the house more rather than yell at her, then maybe dinner could be easier to prepare.
B.) The husband comes home and not help his wife, but explains everything about his day and not leave room for her to share her day (or vice versa).
C.) The husband comes home, assess the situation, helps out his wife with whatever she may need, and both can explain their days and feelings with each other without interruption or contention.
    There are many, many scenarios that could take place, but out the three, which would be the most desirable and effective way of communication? If you answered the letter 'C', then you would be correct for this exercise.
     I would just like to take this moment to share a few quotes by my teacher that I found to be very insightful and helpful in considering good communication. His quotes are as follows: "When it comes to communication, one cannot not communicate," and "A defense looks an awful lot like an offense." Not communicating at all is not effective, especially in a relationship, and while you may feel your partner is putting up offensive barriers, they may be being defensive. Please take time to consider what may need to happen to have open communication between you and your loved ones, now that you understand what is effective and not effective.

Until next time,


Toni Jo Despain

Don't Stress

        In this day in age, it is very big to have a "cheat day" or to "treat yourself" when the going gets tough and you just need time for yourself. Generally, this would only be truly accepted in our culture if the person is hard working, stressed, and needs a chance to relax . But what are some things that bring stress to a family? Can these stressors make or break a family structure?
       Here is a list of things that can put stress on an individual and a family. As you read through the list, there may be one or a few things that you see in your own lives.

• Finances
• School work/ Academics
• Finding work/ stress at work
• Health Problems
• Loss of a loved one
• Balance of responsibilities
• Social Life
• Unsafe environment
• Bullying
• Social Media
• Life Planning
• Making sure needs are met for yourself and your family
• Balancing selfishness/selflessness
• Needs versus wants
• Disabilities
• Unhappy with self image
• Struggle with time management
• Struggle with finding self/personality
• Struggle with patience
• Learning new skills
• Fear of judgement                                                                                                                        There are many more different things that can cause stress, as well as things that can manifest because of stress. The manifestations can cause even more stress on an individual and family when a negative stress cycle is formed. These manifestations can include drug and alcohol addiction, eating disorders, mental and physical tolls, and/or unhealthy behavior resulting in family tares. A negative stress cycle can be seen in this example: A man is having trouble at work and is stressing over a deadline. He decides to take the load off by going to the bar and getting a few drinks. Over time and as work stress amplifies, so does his drinking habits. He starts losing control and takes his anger out on his wife and children. His wife doesn't want to confront him because she knows he is stressed, she is scared he will get more violent if she brings it up, and/or she is afraid to leave because she would have to start life from scratch. The family dynamic begins to shift and the respect towards the father and mother from the children begins to change. 

          Sadly, this kind of story is not foreign and affects many families. Thankfully, there are support groups, help shelters, law enforcers, and counselors who can help in these serious situations. On the flip side, how can we prevent stress from becoming negative and ruining a family dynamic over time? The key to any problem in a family, especially when stress is involved, is communication. Sometimes, stress can actually be helpful and healthy. It is meant to be used as a healthy motivator for us to do all that we need to in life. In a marital standpoint, you and your partner are both humans with stress in your lives. Who better than to discuss what's going on in your life with the person who shares life with you? Please do not feel afraid to communicate what is stressing you out with your partner and brainstorming solutions. If you do not have a partner to discuss with or you feel that the communication barrier between you and your partner needs to be worked on, then I would advise seeking help from a counselor, a friend, a family member, or a support group to receive some extra help and support to keep the stress safe and not manifest itself in unhealthy ways. 

Until next time,

Toni Jo Despain

The Talk About "The Talk"

             How often do we view the topic of marital intimacy (better known as sex) as something terrifying or taboo? Something only dirty people talk about? While it is a sacred topic and is often not treated as so, marital intimacy is so important as a human race and is not something people are well informed of.
       I'm not going to give a full anatomy lesson on reproduction to save time, but I will give enough of a summary to set up a main understanding to hopefully help those who don't really understand their partner, their future partner, or themselves. I would also like to express how important this topic is and how to go about explaining it to children so they do not find themselves in situations that are unsafe or have no idea what to expect when they get married. This topic is actually something that is important to me, personally, because, like many men and women, I was sexually abused and I constantly viewed sex as something monsters did and something that was totally horrific. This is the reality many children and adults face and I would like to provide some help and light because while it can be used for something utterly terrifying, sex is a wonderful and sacred thing. On behalf of many who have suffered such views and trauma, I would like to apologize because no one deserves to have something so sacred taken away by someone, whether it be a stranger or a family member.
      For those who have had sex before marriage or have considered having it before, let me put into terms why it is suggested to wait for the right person/your spouse. Let's say that you have a little cake that was only made for you and one other person. Once you share that cake with someone, it is gone forever. You cannot replace it or make another one because it was the only cake of its kind. You can try to replicate the cake for someone else but it will never be the same or be as special as that original cake. Sexual intimacy is something that is/should be enjoyable, safe, and comfortable for the couple. Just like the cake, you and your sexual activity should only be shared with one person who will cherish, respect, and enjoy you. If not, there will be regret, pain, and heartache.
       Once you have established who you will sharing yourself with, the next step is to actually do it (when both of you are ready). But what actually happens? Don't worry, I am not going to go into the dirty details, but I will explain the four stages of intercourse. The first stage is arousal/excitement.  This is where the heart rate increases, the blood pressure rises, you feel those little "butterflies" in your stomach, the eyes dilate, blood rushes into the penis and erects it, and vagina lubricates and the protective muscles relax. The second phase is known as the "plateau" where the tension builds. Think of this like the build up of a huge sneeze. This tension and build up is what leads us to the third stage: the climax/orgasm. This is where the sperm, Cowper gland, and prostate gland are released from the penis into the vagina and uterus. Serotonin and dopamine are the happy hormones are released from the brain, and well as oxytocin (bonding hormone) is also released in the woman. This the stage where the most pleasure is felt before the last stage, recovery/refractory, occurs. Stage four is basically the decline of feelings and where the course is reaching or at an end. Unlike what many may believe, the four stages do line up perfectly with both people. Men go through the four stages much faster than women and only go through orgasm once, while women tend to take their time and can go through orgasm more than once (or not at all in some cases). It is important to understand these differences because some may be frustrated with their partners either because they seem to taking things too quickly or too slowly. Word of advice: have patience and try to remember the differences.
     So, now that we know the basics of the biology of the topic, how and when do you explain it to children? Often times, children and teens are taught sex ed from schools, but the programs are often not helpful, traumatizing, can really effect how the children view sex and even their parents. The same risks can come from children being taught by family members, either immediate or extended, if it is not taught in an age appropriate manner or way. The best way to teach a child is to not frantically push the topic aside when they ask where babies come from and relate it to something they will understand without going into the gory details. One example would be if your four year old comes up to you and asks where babies come from you can say, "I'll explain it more when you are older, but babies come from mommies and daddies when they are in love. Mommies and daddies have different body parts so they can work together." One girl in my class told us this story she read in another class where a littler girl asked her mother if sex was better than candy. Rather than frantically blowing her off, the mother said, "oh yeah, way better! But, it's even better when you are married." Setting the communication standards of the topic with parents and children is so important because it should be talked about, just not so much that that is the only topic discussed. If the child is not informed at all and gets married, they will often find themselves in this awkward situation where they have this biological desire to have sex, but they don't know how to do it or if it is normal. No spouse really wants to have the birds and the bees talk with their other spouse, as well as no one wants to feel like they are burden to their partner by not feeling comfortable by either not knowing anything or knowing more. You are doing your child a favor by teaching them is a safe and healthy manner.
       It is normal to feel a bit awkward when reading this blog about this topic, but I hope it was more helpful than not. Sex is something that is exciting and good. In an interview with Laura Brotherson, an LDS marriage and family therapists who specializes in sex, she made a point about sex being something that is supposed to fun and enjoyable, where the couple can feel comfortable and even tease each other in and out of the bedroom. However, make sure that you and your spouse do not do anything that would undermine the other and make them feel safe. You have a sacred responsibility to take care of yourself and your partner. Do not ruin this but hurting them or undermining them. If you would like to know more on how to strengthen your sexual relations with your partner, check out the books,"And They Were Not Ashamed," and "Knowing Her Intimately," both by Laura Brotherson.
     

Until next time,


Toni Jo Despain

Time to Put a Ring On It? Talk About it

         Picture a moment in time when someone close to you told you they were getting married. Whether this has happened or not, I would like for you to think of the very first thing you thought of when they told you or when you hear the word "marriage". Did you think of a wedding? That is not uncommon, however it is important to remember that the marriage is not the wedding. The wedding is merely the celebration of the start of the marriage. However, the planning of the wedding is a huge and pivotal moment in the couples final moments before being a married couple. We call this planning period an "engagement".
      While the engagement period is a super exciting and stressful time, it is a testing period of sorts. Couples will need to work together to plan not only their wedding, but their marriage. What conditions do you have for your marriage? Perhaps you have certain ways you would like to discipline your current and/or future children, how you would like to budget and what to budget for, and/or house rules. A good way to set the foundation of your home and marriage is to lay out your conditions and listen to your partner's. You may find that your conditions are similar or different, which will cause for discussion. For example, my loved one and I love animals and hope to have some of our own someday. We got on the topic of cats and declawing them. He was all for it for various reasons and I was completely hysterical because I could not understand why anyone would want to declaw their cat. I took a vet class and one of the topics was declawing and how painful and often unnecessary it is. For me, that was just a common rule that we weren't going to do that to a cat and I didn't realize that that was not a rule to him. Because of this, we came to a compromise and have moved passed the issue and topic. Now, there are far more stressful and important topics of discussion for engaged and married couples, but the moral of the story was that it is important to communicate concerns and conditions in order to compromise and become compatible.
      My older sister is getting married in a few months and asked if there was any advice for the wedding planning. Based on what I have learned from class this week, it is to trust in your partner. But, it is also important to watch your money. Many people end up either taking out a loan for their wedding or rings and go into debt, borrow money from parents which binds them closer to them in a way they most likely did not want, or they end up waiting for years and years to save up enough money. I am not trying to say that a super cheap wedding is the way to go. What I am saying is that it is important to carefully consider your options and make the best ones for you and your partner. Your wedding is only one day. Sure, you may have the pictures and the memory forever, but make sure to remember that your marriage is to last forever, too.

Until next time,

Toni Jo Despain