Picture a moment in time when someone close to you told you they were getting married. Whether this has happened or not, I would like for you to think of the very first thing you thought of when they told you or when you hear the word "marriage". Did you think of a wedding? That is not uncommon, however it is important to remember that the marriage is not the wedding. The wedding is merely the celebration of the start of the marriage. However, the planning of the wedding is a huge and pivotal moment in the couples final moments before being a married couple. We call this planning period an "engagement".
While the engagement period is a super exciting and stressful time, it is a testing period of sorts. Couples will need to work together to plan not only their wedding, but their marriage. What conditions do you have for your marriage? Perhaps you have certain ways you would like to discipline your current and/or future children, how you would like to budget and what to budget for, and/or house rules. A good way to set the foundation of your home and marriage is to lay out your conditions and listen to your partner's. You may find that your conditions are similar or different, which will cause for discussion. For example, my loved one and I love animals and hope to have some of our own someday. We got on the topic of cats and declawing them. He was all for it for various reasons and I was completely hysterical because I could not understand why anyone would want to declaw their cat. I took a vet class and one of the topics was declawing and how painful and often unnecessary it is. For me, that was just a common rule that we weren't going to do that to a cat and I didn't realize that that was not a rule to him. Because of this, we came to a compromise and have moved passed the issue and topic. Now, there are far more stressful and important topics of discussion for engaged and married couples, but the moral of the story was that it is important to communicate concerns and conditions in order to compromise and become compatible.
My older sister is getting married in a few months and asked if there was any advice for the wedding planning. Based on what I have learned from class this week, it is to trust in your partner. But, it is also important to watch your money. Many people end up either taking out a loan for their wedding or rings and go into debt, borrow money from parents which binds them closer to them in a way they most likely did not want, or they end up waiting for years and years to save up enough money. I am not trying to say that a super cheap wedding is the way to go. What I am saying is that it is important to carefully consider your options and make the best ones for you and your partner. Your wedding is only one day. Sure, you may have the pictures and the memory forever, but make sure to remember that your marriage is to last forever, too.
Until next time,
Toni Jo Despain
Saturday, October 28, 2017
Friday, October 20, 2017
Love, Marriage, and the Stuff in Between
This week in class we talked about the subject that is, personally, my favorite: marriage! Now, I am well aware that my emotions towards marriage are not always shared by the general public. However, whether one likes it or not, marriage is a huge part of everyone's lives, no matter who or where they are. But, what needs to happen before marriage? That's right, dating.
When is the last time you went on a date that didn't seem pressured or awkward or with someone who you could trust? Do you often feel like dating is a "lost art" or that the roles in dating are often skewed? Or maybe you find that you hang-out more than date? Well, you're not the only one who has felt this way or have experienced such things. In fact, what inclines one to date, the roles in dating, and shared similarities between two people are what predicts a marriage.
When dating, remember the three "p's" : planned/planning, paid for, and paired off. The difference between a date and a hangout is an activity that is planned. Whether it is planned by the boy or the girl, make sure that the plan is something fun, safe, and logical. An example would be if you take a date on a hike, good planning would be knowing where the hike is, you have all of the safety precautions, and that you and your date have the proper attire. Be attentive of your date and make sure they are having fun. A date doesn't always have to be paid for or expensive, but when it is, make sure you and your date knows who is paying. A good rule of thumb is to have the person who asked be the person who pays. Many people tend to go on group dates or out with friends which is fine, but make sure you know who your date is in that group date. None of these are meant to cause offense, but advice. From experience, I know how hard it may be to come up with activities to do, especially when money may be tight. It is ok to stay home and watch a movie and eat food as long as it is intentional.
Along with the three "'p's", there is another set that directly correlates: preside with planned, provide with paired for, and protect with paired off. Preside and don't be wishy-washy with your plans, be the one who provides the material or means of pay for the date if that is what was decided by the both of you, and honor your date and protect them at all costs. Do not take advantage of them or their time. It is not fair to you or your date.
Now that we have established the art of dating, let's move on to love and marriage. The biggest predictors of a successful marriage are how we date, similarities that are shared, and the propinquity (which is a fancy word for proximity and access to the person. Feel free to use this word to sound smart at parties.) You are most likely to find the right match if you share common ground and are in close proximity with the person. Of course, there are always people who are an exception, but these just general rules of thumb and advice that works for a fair majority. Before marriage, remember that it is ok to have personal space. Don't date until you hate, meaning that it is wise not to spend every bit of time with someone that you end up hating them and becoming incredibly annoyed. With the intentional time (at least twice a week), it is better to be satisfied and grateful for the time spent together. Make sure to have good and open communication with your significant other, and watch your reactions when asked on dates because it is ok to show excitement. Encourage talking on the phone or face-to-face rather than texting so there is no miscommunication. It is ok if the relationship doesn't work out or start at all, but don't break hearts because of your broken courage.
When you hear the word "love", what do you think of? The Princess Bride? Maybe your favorite song or heart shaped clouds with a dozen roses and a box of chocolate? Would it surprise you if I told you that there are four different kinds of love? It surprised me until I realized what they were and had experienced them myself. Let's go down the list: Agape is charity or love for another person, such as a stranger. Eros is passion, usually between a man and a women, and can be sexual but it doesn't have to be. Storge (pronounced store-gae) is a parent/ child relationship. Lastly, philia is love between friends, or is also known as brotherly love. Believe it or not, no one can survive without love, just like no one can survive without food or water. We need love to survive, so please remember to give love as well as receive it. Do not close yourself off or you will find yourself to be figuratively (and literally in extreme cases) starved. But do not be deceived and "fall" into love. As my teacher said, we usually avoid falling; wouldn't it be better to grow love? This is different than finding someone to be attractive and immediately feeling the need to get to know them. That is often mistaken as falling in love, but it merely being attracted. Remember, nothing is perfect, but through trial and error, and successful marriage will come. It will be between you and your spouse to make this happen.
Until next time,
Toni Jo Despain
When is the last time you went on a date that didn't seem pressured or awkward or with someone who you could trust? Do you often feel like dating is a "lost art" or that the roles in dating are often skewed? Or maybe you find that you hang-out more than date? Well, you're not the only one who has felt this way or have experienced such things. In fact, what inclines one to date, the roles in dating, and shared similarities between two people are what predicts a marriage.
When dating, remember the three "p's" : planned/planning, paid for, and paired off. The difference between a date and a hangout is an activity that is planned. Whether it is planned by the boy or the girl, make sure that the plan is something fun, safe, and logical. An example would be if you take a date on a hike, good planning would be knowing where the hike is, you have all of the safety precautions, and that you and your date have the proper attire. Be attentive of your date and make sure they are having fun. A date doesn't always have to be paid for or expensive, but when it is, make sure you and your date knows who is paying. A good rule of thumb is to have the person who asked be the person who pays. Many people tend to go on group dates or out with friends which is fine, but make sure you know who your date is in that group date. None of these are meant to cause offense, but advice. From experience, I know how hard it may be to come up with activities to do, especially when money may be tight. It is ok to stay home and watch a movie and eat food as long as it is intentional.
Along with the three "'p's", there is another set that directly correlates: preside with planned, provide with paired for, and protect with paired off. Preside and don't be wishy-washy with your plans, be the one who provides the material or means of pay for the date if that is what was decided by the both of you, and honor your date and protect them at all costs. Do not take advantage of them or their time. It is not fair to you or your date.
Now that we have established the art of dating, let's move on to love and marriage. The biggest predictors of a successful marriage are how we date, similarities that are shared, and the propinquity (which is a fancy word for proximity and access to the person. Feel free to use this word to sound smart at parties.) You are most likely to find the right match if you share common ground and are in close proximity with the person. Of course, there are always people who are an exception, but these just general rules of thumb and advice that works for a fair majority. Before marriage, remember that it is ok to have personal space. Don't date until you hate, meaning that it is wise not to spend every bit of time with someone that you end up hating them and becoming incredibly annoyed. With the intentional time (at least twice a week), it is better to be satisfied and grateful for the time spent together. Make sure to have good and open communication with your significant other, and watch your reactions when asked on dates because it is ok to show excitement. Encourage talking on the phone or face-to-face rather than texting so there is no miscommunication. It is ok if the relationship doesn't work out or start at all, but don't break hearts because of your broken courage.
When you hear the word "love", what do you think of? The Princess Bride? Maybe your favorite song or heart shaped clouds with a dozen roses and a box of chocolate? Would it surprise you if I told you that there are four different kinds of love? It surprised me until I realized what they were and had experienced them myself. Let's go down the list: Agape is charity or love for another person, such as a stranger. Eros is passion, usually between a man and a women, and can be sexual but it doesn't have to be. Storge (pronounced store-gae) is a parent/ child relationship. Lastly, philia is love between friends, or is also known as brotherly love. Believe it or not, no one can survive without love, just like no one can survive without food or water. We need love to survive, so please remember to give love as well as receive it. Do not close yourself off or you will find yourself to be figuratively (and literally in extreme cases) starved. But do not be deceived and "fall" into love. As my teacher said, we usually avoid falling; wouldn't it be better to grow love? This is different than finding someone to be attractive and immediately feeling the need to get to know them. That is often mistaken as falling in love, but it merely being attracted. Remember, nothing is perfect, but through trial and error, and successful marriage will come. It will be between you and your spouse to make this happen.
Until next time,
Toni Jo Despain
Friday, October 13, 2017
The Why to the Difference
As a warning, this week's post will be about homosexuality. This particular subject is a wonderful one to discuss, however it can bring a lot of hostility and controversy. To be clear, none of the information enclosed is to cause discomfort or a fight. It is purely out of scientific evidence, discussion, and love of fellow men.
Have you ever talked to someone who identifies themselves as gay or lesbian, who claims that they are "born this way"? Did you ever wonder if that claim is true? Well, scientists sure did. There were multiple studies performed on identical twins. Ideally, because identical twins have identical DNA, if one twin is gay then the other should be, as well, if it is genetic, right? Well, that's not what the results showed. One study concluded that only 52% claimed that both were gay, and another study in Australia concluded that only 11% claimed to both be gay. I don't know about you, but I find that to be incredibly intriguing. But if homosexuality isn't something people are born with, then how does it happen?
Studies have shown that those who identify as homosexual have been sexually abused or molested. Or, their home environment is one where they seek to feel loved. For example, if a boy is raised in a home where there father is neglectful and/or abusive, he will want to have that void to be filled, most likely by a male figure because that is the relationship that is vacant. Then, because they like that connection with the male figure, they believe themselves to be gay. Or, if the child has been molested or abused, they often find themselves in a cycle of guilt and confusion. Confusion because they liked the feelings but they didn't ask for them or long for them. And guilt because they didn't say no to something they didn't want. So after going through this cycle and trying to make sense of something that will never make sense, these kids begin to identify themselves as gay solely because they believe that is the only reason as to why they would be feeling the way that they do. These are examples of unwanted homosexual attraction. If you find that you have unwanted homosexual attraction and you long for a relationship with someone of the opposite gender, then that is wonderful and not impossible to do. If you are homosexual for these reasons or others and you feel comfortable with your lifestyle, then I am not asking you to change. This article is solely for everyone to understand where this may come from.
Also, my teacher brought up another interesting point I wanted to discuss because this is something else that is also very controversial. He gave an example of two parents having a conversation with friends about their five year old child. In a relieved manner, they say, "Yep, we figured out that he/she is gay/lesbian. Now we can finally help them get treated." Don't worry, it's perfectly acceptable to make a funky face or have your jaw drop. Mine totally did. Unlike what many people may believe, homosexuality is not a disease and children don't think romantically or sexually the way teenagers and adults do. If your child is presenting behaviors, do not label them, for they are likely to be bullied and excluded from peers and you, especially when they were labeled as something they most likely are not. I am not trying reprimand anyone, but I am hoping to get across that it is important to not judge your child or have your adult views forget that your child is just that: a child.
Please believe me when I say that we are loved, no matter how we identify ourselves. If you or anyone else is in need of this post or is seeking help for whatever it may be, please extend a hand of love.
Until next time,
Toni Jo
Have you ever talked to someone who identifies themselves as gay or lesbian, who claims that they are "born this way"? Did you ever wonder if that claim is true? Well, scientists sure did. There were multiple studies performed on identical twins. Ideally, because identical twins have identical DNA, if one twin is gay then the other should be, as well, if it is genetic, right? Well, that's not what the results showed. One study concluded that only 52% claimed that both were gay, and another study in Australia concluded that only 11% claimed to both be gay. I don't know about you, but I find that to be incredibly intriguing. But if homosexuality isn't something people are born with, then how does it happen?
Studies have shown that those who identify as homosexual have been sexually abused or molested. Or, their home environment is one where they seek to feel loved. For example, if a boy is raised in a home where there father is neglectful and/or abusive, he will want to have that void to be filled, most likely by a male figure because that is the relationship that is vacant. Then, because they like that connection with the male figure, they believe themselves to be gay. Or, if the child has been molested or abused, they often find themselves in a cycle of guilt and confusion. Confusion because they liked the feelings but they didn't ask for them or long for them. And guilt because they didn't say no to something they didn't want. So after going through this cycle and trying to make sense of something that will never make sense, these kids begin to identify themselves as gay solely because they believe that is the only reason as to why they would be feeling the way that they do. These are examples of unwanted homosexual attraction. If you find that you have unwanted homosexual attraction and you long for a relationship with someone of the opposite gender, then that is wonderful and not impossible to do. If you are homosexual for these reasons or others and you feel comfortable with your lifestyle, then I am not asking you to change. This article is solely for everyone to understand where this may come from.
Also, my teacher brought up another interesting point I wanted to discuss because this is something else that is also very controversial. He gave an example of two parents having a conversation with friends about their five year old child. In a relieved manner, they say, "Yep, we figured out that he/she is gay/lesbian. Now we can finally help them get treated." Don't worry, it's perfectly acceptable to make a funky face or have your jaw drop. Mine totally did. Unlike what many people may believe, homosexuality is not a disease and children don't think romantically or sexually the way teenagers and adults do. If your child is presenting behaviors, do not label them, for they are likely to be bullied and excluded from peers and you, especially when they were labeled as something they most likely are not. I am not trying reprimand anyone, but I am hoping to get across that it is important to not judge your child or have your adult views forget that your child is just that: a child.
Please believe me when I say that we are loved, no matter how we identify ourselves. If you or anyone else is in need of this post or is seeking help for whatever it may be, please extend a hand of love.
Until next time,
Toni Jo
Friday, October 6, 2017
My Horse is Bigger Than Your Horse
Last week, we talked about different family trends and structures within a home. This week, I would like to discuss family culture. No, I'm not talking about the bacteria that's currently growing on the cheese in your family's fridge. These cultures are interconnected with family trends, but are, essentially, how these families act.
Let's start off with some definitions of the words tradition, ritual, and culture. Tradition is an intergenerational and/or inherited pattern of behavior or beliefs. An example would be faith or religion that is passed down through family lines. Rituals are daily or annual doings. This would be like putting your pants on before putting on your socks and shoes, every day. Culture is the attitude and behavior of a particular social group. Now I have a feeling that I know what you're thinking; "What is my family culture and the traditions and rituals we do?" Or at least something along those lines. How about I lay out a few hypothetical family cultures and you see if you can find any patterns in behavior or status.
Family 1. The parents are happily married, the whole family participates in everything, the house is huge and gorgeous, and dad or mom have a high-and-mighty job.
Family 2. Mom and/or Dad work at an ok job, they try to spend as much time with their kids as possible, budgets might be tight but are manageable, and the house isn't the best but its not the worst.
Family 3. Mom or Dad's out of the picture and has been for a while, the only parent at home is never at home, the parent (and sometimes the kids) works one or a few low paying jobs, the home is less than par, and there is no time to participate in activities because the family is just getting by.
Notice anything? While many people don't want to accept it, our society still has social class systems, and this often affects how we treat others or categorize each other. I know I'm guilty of this. I grew up in a town where you have the upper class neighborhood wtih the middle and lower classes right next to them or just in the other town. Do you find that you tend to judge, literally, your neighbor or that others judge you based on your social class? Do you find that your family's culture is not exactly what you would like to live like? Does your family have traditions or rituals you really enjoy and agree with, and/or are there any that you wish to change?
Well, if you find you answered yes to any of these questions, there is great news: you are more than capable to do something about this! You can start understanding your neighbors more and their stories by befriending them. You can make a physical or mental list of goals or traditions you wish to set for your current and/or future families and present them with loved ones. You can also remember that no family is perfect and that life is a game of survival with a family as the game players. No matter what your current situation, just do your best to not judge yourselves or others.
Until Next Time,
Toni Jo Despain
Let's start off with some definitions of the words tradition, ritual, and culture. Tradition is an intergenerational and/or inherited pattern of behavior or beliefs. An example would be faith or religion that is passed down through family lines. Rituals are daily or annual doings. This would be like putting your pants on before putting on your socks and shoes, every day. Culture is the attitude and behavior of a particular social group. Now I have a feeling that I know what you're thinking; "What is my family culture and the traditions and rituals we do?" Or at least something along those lines. How about I lay out a few hypothetical family cultures and you see if you can find any patterns in behavior or status.
Family 1. The parents are happily married, the whole family participates in everything, the house is huge and gorgeous, and dad or mom have a high-and-mighty job.
Family 2. Mom and/or Dad work at an ok job, they try to spend as much time with their kids as possible, budgets might be tight but are manageable, and the house isn't the best but its not the worst.
Family 3. Mom or Dad's out of the picture and has been for a while, the only parent at home is never at home, the parent (and sometimes the kids) works one or a few low paying jobs, the home is less than par, and there is no time to participate in activities because the family is just getting by.
Notice anything? While many people don't want to accept it, our society still has social class systems, and this often affects how we treat others or categorize each other. I know I'm guilty of this. I grew up in a town where you have the upper class neighborhood wtih the middle and lower classes right next to them or just in the other town. Do you find that you tend to judge, literally, your neighbor or that others judge you based on your social class? Do you find that your family's culture is not exactly what you would like to live like? Does your family have traditions or rituals you really enjoy and agree with, and/or are there any that you wish to change?
Well, if you find you answered yes to any of these questions, there is great news: you are more than capable to do something about this! You can start understanding your neighbors more and their stories by befriending them. You can make a physical or mental list of goals or traditions you wish to set for your current and/or future families and present them with loved ones. You can also remember that no family is perfect and that life is a game of survival with a family as the game players. No matter what your current situation, just do your best to not judge yourselves or others.
Until Next Time,
Toni Jo Despain
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